A Composition…

The scars on my forearm are fading
but the ones in my head
like to laugh at my efforts

my efforts to be a better person
when I know what inside
I’m selfish
and rude

sometimes I don’t even know why I try
to make friends
I end up pushing them away
sometimes by accident

there are three versions of myself
past me, who hates future me
future me, who hates past me
and present me, who is fleeting
and hates both of my other selves

to convince myself to do anything
I have to act as though I am helping
future me, instead of myself.

if I try to help myself,
I end up saying “fuck it”
and it never gets done

maybe one day I can just
lay in a ditch
dead with an extra hole in my head
the gun that was used
was stolen out of my hands afterward

work ethic spiraling down the drain
because I don’t know what to do with my life
other than just get through the day

I can’t think about the future for very long
there are no goals for myself
other than for my lifespan
to not last longer than thirty-five.

even my conscious mind knows that is a lie
because I don’t know what to do with my life
even though there is some hope that I will have something
by the time I reach thirty-five.

my life
somehow never feels like it is mine
it feels as though I am a marionette
and someone else is doing the work.

one time,
my friend figuratively split me open
and I was forced to lay bare
the hatred for past me
and present me
that all of the versions of myself
feel for all of us.

so many people
I manage to hate in a day,
because I can’t manage
to be nice to other people.
it shouldn’t be a surprise
because I can’t be nice to myself
so why did I think that I could be nice to others?

I don’t understand myself,
or why past me does the things that they do,
because maybe it is just to piss off future me
past me is a little bitch.

 

“You can’t.”

I want to help so many people. I want people to be happy, not to suffer from a mental disorder. 

I don’t want anyone to be a victim of prostitution, sex trafficking, or pornography. 

I don’t want anyone to feel that the earth would be better without them. 

We have such a high suicide rate in this world. People wonder why. If you push it in their face, they’re in denial. If you don’t, then you’re in denial. 

I played “Would you rather?” at lunch with my friend one day, and the question was “Would you rather end world hunger or hate?”

I said hunger, she said hate. I thought it was crazy then, but now I see where she is coming from. 

Hate, just itself alone, takes many lives each year. People hate gays, and most of them commit suicide. Trans people are misunderstood and hated, and so many trans people commit suicide each year. If you are bullied, you will most likely commit suicide. 

People say you can help by being that one person who cares. I say you can’t. You can’t stop them from slicing the razor, you can’t stop them from putting a noose around their neck. Only they can do that. You just have to show you’re there. 

I once wrote, ‘Kindness makes the world stop.’  It does, actually, because so much hate and fear goes around this world that kindness is practically non-existent. 

My dad once helped a lady at a restaurant. He did a simple movement, merely holding the door open for her, but she thanked him throughly and she acted surprised at even this small act of kindness. 

Please, just stop it! Do you get pleasure tormenting someone enough to have them take their own life?!

“I was just kidding.” “I didn’t mean it, I swear. “

Such excuses. 

Gay is NOT Okay…as an Insult.

Ask Me About My Agenda

I took the baby to the park-something we do fairly frequently-and for the first time we came across some graffiti. Honestly, I should be more surprised we haven’t come across some before considering the park isnext to a high school.

But I was less offended by the graffiti in general and more offended by one line in particular: “Devon is gay.” 



I live in California. In the Los Angeles area, what is supposed to be one of the most welcoming, accepting areas of the country. So I’ll admit I’m a little shocked kids here still view “gay” as an appropriate insult. (Not that any insult should be “appropriate.” *be kind.*) Maybe I shouldn’t be. Of course to me, the greatest irony of all was realizing that today is GLSEN’sDay of Silence,a time when students focus on creating a safe educational space for…

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Car shop owner Speaks openly about his refusal to serve homosexuals

This man makes my skin crawl. I hate to even write his name…. *Deep breaths* 1… 2… 3… here it goes, Brian Klawiter, the owner of Dieseltec on Ottawa Avenue in Grandville, tells the WORLD that he refuses to serve homosexuals.

“I would not hesitate to refuse service to an openly gay person or persons,” he wrote. “Homosexuality is wrong, period. If you want to argue this fact with me then I will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works.”

Does he not scream bigot?! Yes, I get it, we all have our own religions, beliefs, and values, but this has gone too far. This whole religious thing is a copout. First off, these people probably don’t go to church or when they do, it’s for Midnight Mass, or Easter Sunday. I mean, come on! Even the Pope is telling everyone that…

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When Rubber Hits the Road…

Most people that are younger than about 11, are in elementary school. Most of these children cannot wait to get to middle school. Their train of thought is that they will be so cool. Sometimes they’re not wrong. Sometimes middle school (or junior high) can be fun. Meeting new people, having new classes you didn’t have before.

But most of the time, it’s one slap after another. You will mostly go through so many changes to your personality that you will not know what’s really you and what you’ve changed about yourself to be cool and to fit in with a certain group of friends or a certain clique. Most of the time its just one drama scene after another.

Have you ever seen those movies that have middle school kids going to school in it? One of those prime examples is Diary of a Wimpy Kid. (The only one I can think of off the top of my head.) Your parents will probably say that “Oh, that isn’t what really happens. There are no cliques, everyone will accept you no matter what your sexuality, your race, or who your friends are.”

NOPE.

You will be judged upon everything you do, and if your friends aren’t in any of your classes, tough luck. Middle school, at least at mine, doesn’t have recess. You have this awful thing called gym class. Oh, don’t worry, I know what your thinking. “But gym was so much fun! We just played games all the time, and only had it twice/three times a week!”

You will most likely have it everyday, and you will have to change for it. For a grade. Woohoo.

Your friends will mostly change as well. If their not in your classes, then you have to make new ones. This was the problem for me. I had to make new friends, and failed the first attempt. So now I’m attempting to get in with people who are called by some “the rebels”. Cheers.

A lot of people will be bullied. Almost all of my friends have been bullied before, excluding me. There will also be drama such as rumors, idiots with opinions such as ‘gays are stupid and shouldn’t have rights.’ ‘If your a enter race here, then you are not worth my time.’ I agree with neither of these, but you know, there’s always (forgive my language) jackasses in the school system.

Don’t let me deter your love of middle school, please. I’m deterring you from the lies most people say. Take it from someone who’s only halfway through. I have another year, and I cant tell if I’m looking forward to it or not.

Another year of drama that I do not want to face. Another year of trying to “fit in.”

As my mother always says, “7th grade is when rubber hits the road.”, meaning that you figure out who your friends are, and who will leave you if you screw up.

The question is: Will you ever find your forever friends?